Andrea's Search for Herself

A Crisis of Identity

 

 

According to Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman (“I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me”) an important part of recovery from BPD is establishing an identity separate from the person’s environment.

 

“One of the borderline’s primary goals is to establish a separate sense of identity and to overcome the proclivity to merge with others.”

 

Andrea was a chameleon of identity.  She had more identities than Baskin Robbin’s has ice cream flavors.  Her speech, her mannerisms, even her appearance would change to fit the environment.  She could be white, black, or oriental.  She could act sophisticated or down-to-earth, streetwise or naive, wild or demure.  She could order dinner in a Korea restaurant in Seoul (in Korean) with ease or stroll through the Oxford Street shops in London’s West End looking all the fashion.  She could speak with a British accent all day then seamlessly switch to American urban street slang at night.

 

While all of these personalities were inside her they were really a product of her environment of the moment and none separately reflected a true representation of her “core” personality.  She never really felt that she belonged to any of them completely and none survived outside of the surroundings that gave birth to them.  She was seeking an identity.

 

“No person can consistently behave in a way that’s inconsistent with the way the person sees himself. ["Victory Over the Darkness – Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ" by Neil T. Anderson]

 

“I am a lie.” [Andrea’s note by the above passage]

 

Recognition of a need to change is the first step to change itself.  Andrea knew she was in a crisis of identity.  She was seeking answers.  Anderson’s book was one place where answers could be found.  I recommend this book to anyone who is seeking answers to who they are.

 

 

Jim

 

I would like to reintroduce a site that I believe has a wealth of information and support for those who suffer from BPD and/or Bipolar Disorder.  It's called "Hearts That Hear". 

It's mission statement is "to provide support for people who are doing everything within their ability to help themselves."

The site can be found at:

http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/main.asp?webtag=ComfortPlace&nav=start&prettyurl=%2FComfortPlace%2Fstart

Back in the Saddle

Well, I've been away from the Help blog for much too long.  Sorry for the absence.  Starting tomorrow I'll be back out there searching for ideas and articles that I hope might help those with BPD and those who love them.

 

Jim

Dealing with BPD - Some things that have helped
It's been three and a half years since Andrea's death and I've started dating again. For about six months I've been seeing April. At first I was only seeing her 1-2 times a month. As we started seeing each other more I came to realize that she has many behavior characteristics that Andrea had in the beginning - maybe even more intensely so. I learned a lot with Andrea and some of what I learned I've begun to apply to my relationship with April with mixed success. I am not a mental health professional and can't say what anyone else should do in a particular situation. I do know what has worked in my relationships and what has not. Things that have worked for me:

Letting it go - We are not perfect people. God knows this and forgives us our transgressions if we ask (scripture anyone?). And I have found that in my relationships, if I just let it go, that the other person tended to do the same. How often have you had the person who suffers from BPD-like traits in your life rage at you one minute and then five minutes later forget that it ever happened?Unfortunately I can't do that. A while back I tried to bring something up to April about an encounter that we had earlier that morning, feeling that I did not get my just opportunity to give her my side. She simply responded, "That was hours ago. I'm not thinking about that now." I've had to teach myself to be more selective on what needs to be re-addressed and what would be just as well let go. I've found that the major discriminator for me is my own ego. Often it's just my ego involved and not some critical issue that needs addressed.

Emeshment - Some people go to therapy because they believe that the borderline person in their life has caused them all sorts of problems. I've learned that it's not the way the person in my life treats me that causes the problem so much as how I react to it. I see it not as one "disordered" person and one "ordered" person, but as two people interacting. That's why what works for one person may not work for another. You would think that with many similar behavior traits among people diagnosed with BPD you could come up with some formula for success, but life isn't that easy. There are two separate personalities involved and it's that interplay of personalities that causes dysfunction in the relationship. To me this means learning more about myself, as well as BPD, if I want to have a relationship that is more fullfilling for me.

Projection - As a primitive defense mechanism, many people who suffer from BPD project their behaviors onto others as a way of not having to face their own dysfunctional behavior responses. April has a tendency to assume I'm lying about things or cheating on her all the time as a way of not facing her own behaviors. She rarely gives me the opportunity to counterattack her accusations, so I usually don't anymore. Recognizing where the behavior originates helps me to do this. You can't control what someone else chooses to think, only how you allow it to affect you. Instead of getting angry about it any more, I tell myself that she's not doing it to be spiteful, but because she's afraid that I might see something about her and want to leave her. Don't try to rationalize primitive defenses. They are not rational, but they are all the person is equipped with to deal with life. That's why I believe cognitive behavior therapy is so important in treating this disorder. Sometimes we just need to find a better way to observe and react to life's challenges.

Give time for you - I have tried to take on too much at times. I've come to believe that the best way I can provide for my partner's needs is to simply be there for her when she needs me, remind her often that I love her, understand the illness that she is dealing with, and pray to God for the patience and understanding to respond in a Christian way when the stress begins to build. Taking care of myself and my needs helps. How can I help someone else if I'm a mess? Don't be afraid to seek out help if you need assistance in coping. Talk to your clergy or a mental health professional. When I am not stressed out myself I find I can be a better helper to my partner when she comes to me for asking for help. To me that's what it's all about.

Jim

What's Stopping You?
Reprinted from - Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter * Issue # 361
Week of August 9-10, 2005
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com

----------------------------------------------------
*** Article: What's Stopping You? – By Beth Burns ***
----------------------------------------------------

“Always know in your heart that you are far bigger than anything that can
happen to you.” – Dan Zadra

You've heard if before... sometimes, bad things happen to good people.
People get sick, lose jobs, get divorced, have financial problems, raise
troubled kids, suffer from depression and there are a multitude of other
things that can go wrong in life. Sooner or later we all face some kind of
trouble.

What does it take to get past some of the heartache that we all surely
experience? I recently saw the movie “Men of Honor” and was engrossed with
one man's quest to be all he could be in his life. Many seemingly
insurmountable obstacles were thrown in his path and, yet, he kept finding
ways to go where he wanted life to take him.

What does it take to keep the faith, find the good in circumstances and
continue on your journey through life? In my work as a coach, and from
personal experience, I have found it takes healthy doses of the following
elements to press on.

1. A sense of purpose. People who continue on know who they are and what
they bring to the table. They also know that success is cumulative and
that a person is not the sum of his successes or failures, but rather a
total sum of his how his mind, body and spirit operate.

“Self-esteem--an estimation of who I am apart from what I do.” – Nathaniel
Branden

2. The ability to see the big picture and keep a positive attitude.
Troubles and turmoil are often the steppingstones to greater and bigger
dreams. This is difficult to see in the midst of trouble, but having even
the smallest mustard seed of faith will help propel you forward. Think
positive!

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to
uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. – Helen
Keller

3. Perseverance and support. When you know who you are meant to be, the
only way to be that person is to keep pressing on. Find a way. If there is
not a path, then make one. And don't go it alone. Get the support you
need. Find someone you trust. Ask for their feedback and support. Why make
life harder than it has to be? When you go it alone, you make it that way.

Keep on keepin' on!

“Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which
difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.” – John Quincy Adams

“It's never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot

I urge you now to take some to time to reflect and do a check-in with who
you are. Are you happy with yourself? Are you in integrity? Who do you
want to be? If something or someone has been stopping you from taking the
above steps, just simply begin and watch what comes your way. Be true to
who you are and expect to have a delightful future!

About the Author
Beth Burns is a Professional Life Coach -- partnering with motivated
people on their personal and professional goals. Her mission is to teach
people to love themselves and love their life! She offers two free email
newsletters and can be visited on the web at
http://www.BrightSideCoaching.com. She can also be reached by calling
678-938-0419 or by email Beth@BrightSideCoaching.com

Bulimic Teens Also Likely to Suffer From Depression
Note: It's been a while since I've updated the Help Blog. I'll try to keep up from now on.

Bulimic Teens Also Likely to Suffer From Depression

COLLEGE STATION, TX -- December 8, 2004 -- Teen-agers suffering from bulimia may in fact be fighting a two-front war, coping with the effects of a devastating eating disorder while struggling with a chronic form of depression, reveals research by Texas A&M University psychologist Marisol Perez, who says the finding has critical implications for the way the disorder is treated.

Often masked by the bulimia itself, dysthymia - a lower-level, chronic form of depression - is often present in bulimics and may even predispose them to the eating disorder, shows the research by Perez and her colleagues Thomas E. Joiner Jr. of Florida State University and Peter M. Lewinsohn of the Oregon Research Institute.

Dysthymia, Perez explains, is different from the more familiar major depression in terms of its duration, severity and persistence of mood disturbance, all factors that can impact the course and treatment of eating disorders.

"As pernicious as major depression can be, it tends to remit, even if untreated," she notes. "By contrast, dysthymia is unrelenting, often lasting decades, with the average episode length lasting more than 10 years."

It's this long-lasting nature, Perez says, that makes dysthymia, rather than major depression, more likely to be associated with bulimia, which is characterized by unrelenting negative feelings
about one's self.

Bulimics, she says, tend to have chronic low self-esteem. Previous models, she notes, have proposed that high perfectionism when dashed by low self-worth is predictive of bulimia. Because of this, the chronic and pervasive self-esteem problems associated with dysthymia may make dysthymic people vulnerable to bulimia, she says.

The relationship between bulimia and dysthymia might be the struggle to regulate unrelenting negative moods stemming from the depression
and the feelings of low self-esteem associated with the eating disorder, Perez speculates.

Individuals who suffer from simultaneously existing disorders, such as bulimia and dysthymia, usually have a worse course and prognosis in treatment than those who only suffer from one disorder, Perez
says. She believes that her findings can provide additional information to create more focused and effective treatments for teens with bulimia. Knowledge of the co-existence of bulimia and
dysthymia in teens can help therapists assess specifically for dysthymia in bulimic patients and choose a treatment that will combat both disorders, she says.

Perez says that it is possible for adults to suffer from both disorders, but she notes that the patterns between bulimia and dysthymia may change from adolescence to adulthood, making major
depression more likely to co-exist in adults than dysthymia.

She reasons that as the course of bulimia progresses, the social support network and resources of a bulimic person may start to
diminish, making negative life events harder to overcome. The binges and purges that serve as a type of coping mechanism in the beginning of the disorder may, over time, lose their comforting aspects while their harmful ones continue to be amplified. This, in turn, may cause the intensity of the depression to increase, making the occurrence of major depression and bulimia more common in adults, she says.


SOURCE: Texas A&M University

http://www.docguide.com/news/content.nsf/news/8525697700573E1885256F6
40050E453?OpenDocument&c=Eating%
20Disorders&count=10&id=9B89ECDF206463B185256FF4001A739E

Some things to do if you're feeling suicidal
There is a section at the main site at Andrea's World on this. Here's some additional information on this most important of subjects.

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/related/suicide_4.asp

Possible viral links to Mental Illness?
This short article may point to a breakthrough in our understanding of the origin of some mental illnesses in the future.

http://www.psycport.com/showArticle.cfm?xmlFile=comtex_2005_03_29_up_0000-2142-bc-us-mentalillness.ew.xml&provider=United%20Press%20International

Betating depression through exercise
The MSNBC article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7221887/

Incremental Disclosure: Talking About Your Mental Illness
By Sean Bennick, Vice President of Get Mental Help, Inc.
Webmaster of Mental Health Matters

Introduction
One of the more difficult things I have ever had to do was admit to myself that I had a Psychiatric Disorder. Harder still was learning how to tell others that were close to me what I was going through.

The Stigma
Sadly, having any sort of Psychological Disorder carries some amount of stigma with it. Over the past few years, as more and more people are coming forward with Depression and Anxiety Disorders, the stigma for these disorders has decreased. Other disorders such as Schizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder are still so misunderstood by others that we feel the need to hide our illnesses.
There is one problem with that… hiding the illness can keep us from addressing it. This means that the problems often go untreated.

For the full article at Mental health Matters –
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=262